And then one day we learn to run

The Only Thing That’s Killing Me, Makes Me Feel So Alive.

You ask me if I was starting to like you again. Starting to? Are you kidding me? I am in love with you. And I have been for quite some time. I want to blame you for this, for bringing it up. For some reason I instantly burst into tears when you asked me this. I’m not totally sure why. Maybe because I’m busted and I know it. Maybe because I’ve been holding it in for so long that you saying that was like opening a bottle of shaken coke. The explosion was unstoppable, and inevitable.

I think you knew the whole time though. Almost like you were gloating about it. Holding it over my head. Using it to your advantage so I would agree to whatever you wanted. That sounds selfish of me to assume that of you, I know. But I am desperate to make sense of this. Why don’t you love me back? I have this immense, faithful love for you, so much so that it makes my heart hurt. I think of you often, you’re all I want to talk about and the only one I want to talk to.

I don’t want to love anyone else. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that if I give up on you, and let myself be with someone else, that you will finally wake up and want me too. I am totally me when I am around you, I love that so much. Everything about you is what I look for in a person. And it hurts to know I can’t have you, that I know you’re still searching for the girl of your dreams. I’m sitting here silently screaming that I love you, and you look right through me.

I wonder what you truly think of me sometimes. What it is that makes me so unlovable. I know you’re too nice though, you would never admit it to my face. Apart of me appreciates that, but the other part wishes you’d just crush me with the bitter truth. Pain feels good, it’s the only emotion that makes me feel anything anymore. 

I’m not sure where to go from here to be honest. I know you know the truth now, it was written all over my face, and the tears left a reminder on your shirt when you left my house. I sort of hope this doesn’t change how you act towards me. I really liked where we were. I’m afraid to lose you as my friend. I truly value having you as my friend more than having you as only mine. I mean, really what would it change, besides my peace of mind knowing that you were only looking at me, and no one else. That is where my jealousy comes from. And I do my best to hold it within myself because I know you have every right to be doing what you’re doing. I respect that, I really do. 

So where do we go from here. I wish I knew, but when are things ever easy in this life. Maybe within the next few days I’ll get the guts up to talk to you because I know you’re giving me space, right? that’s the reason you’re not saying anything? I hope. 

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I never seem to be able to write consistently on this stupid thing. Much like my life, it’s dyslexic feeling, cluttered, jumbled….just one big unorganized mess. I crave some sort of organization. A norm.

I’m getting tired of not feeling anything anymore. I have no strong emotion. I crave some mad passionate love, or some deep anger, or maybe even some pain. Something. Anything. I feel numb and I fear the wrath of depression, yet again.

How I hate you, you stupid word. Engulfing my entire being. I want to be happy. Like actually happy, inside and out. Not just some fake smile slopped across my face. The smile everyone thinks is so real, isn’t.

I keep looking for someone, something to make me feel whole. And every time I think I find the missing piece, it just isn’t quite satisfying enough for me. What is wrong with me?

They say to find ourselves we must first lose ourselves.  Maybe, I just need to peace out and never come back. I’m letting my life slip between my fingers, and I’m looking back on it…. dissatisfied. I hate myself for not living the life I want. I could have done absolutely anything with my life. Yet I’m sitting here thinking to myself, wtf is wrong with you, wasting away your one chance on this earth.

Well now this is just becoming a rant, and I’m feeling a little more insane with every word I type out. so I suppose that is it for now. Maybe I’ll be back in a month or two. or maybe not.

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live as if you were to die tomorrow

learn as if you were to live forever….

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a drop in the ocean

a change in the weather

I was praying that you and me

might end up together

it’s like wishing for rain

as I stand in the desert

but I’m holding you closer than most

because you are my heaven

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and I am here still waiting

though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best

like you’ve already figured out

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And I’ve lost who I am, 
and I can’t understand.
Why my heart is so broken,
rejecting your love, without, 
love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know’s that the end’s beginning,
who I am from the start, 
take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, 
I will not be silent, all this time,
spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain.
All is lost but hope remains and this war’s not over.
There’s a light, there’s a sun,
taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong,
and his love will conquer all.

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seems I only come back to this page when I’m in need. In need of a place to drop my thoughts. Pour my brain, heart and soul out onto this screen.

I’m lost and confused and not really sure which way is up or where I need to be going. I wish it wasn’t this hard. I want to say goodbye, push you out of my life and walk away. Why? Because I’m frustrated. I want what we had back. I think I am the one who ruined it all. You’re so understanding and would give me the world if you could, and I’m so shallow and in all honesty don’t deserve you. But I don’t have the guts to tell you that. To tell you the truth.

As I sit here in tears I wonder what kind of person I have become. I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way. I desperately want to find that girl again. I don’t know how to get her back. I have all these great plans for my life, and ever single one of them is falling through my fingers. And I’m doing nothing to stop it. I don’t know how.

I want peace of mind. I want the job and apartment that I once imagined I would have. I want the boyfriend I always dreamed of having. I want to be honest, and to be proud of myself and the life I live. I don’t want to lie, and have to put up this fake wall and hope that no one will see through all the fakeness.

I need a sign, or I need to slow down and look for the sign that’s being thrown at me, because either way, I’m not seeing it.

I need…..help.

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There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought Id be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone, and then it fell apart , I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn you need love, and then you don’t have it. What if you like it and lean on it. What if you shape your life around it and then, it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This, it could go on forever.

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Think you have it all figured out for once? But wait. Don’t get too comfortable.  Because before you can even: blink, breathe, smile, let your guard down just for a single second and actually enjoy a moment….a firm slap across your face returns your feet to the ground and your head back to the reality that is actually your own.

 This is life’s way of keeping me sober, remembering who I am, and what I am here for. I’d like to resent it, but I know this is happening for a reason. It has to be. right?

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